Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back in the Water

I know I’m supposed to be blogging about chapter books, or adult books, or something.  But I just had to tell you about this.

I bought this book for my son, Owen, for Christmas.  He’s five.

I thought it would be a good one since he likes sharks and because he’s always interested in non-fiction books.  It’s set up like an encyclopedia, with a one-page entry per animal.  Plus, it was on the bargain table for a mere $5.98 or something, so I thought, Why not? 

The book sat in his room for a while after the holidays – volcano sets and giant Nerf guns and Hexbugs and Lego ninja castles and spy gear being more interesting than a fish encyclopedia, really.  But recently, he remembered it and started leafing through it.  He’s always so earnest and sweet, looking at his books, I love to watch him. 

So a few nights ago, he asked me to read a few pages of it instead of reading stories before bed.  Sure, honey, sounds great.  We snuggle up together, all warm in our jammies with sweet-smelling freshly-shampooed hair, and the first thing I noticed was that EVERY SINGLE SEA CREATURE WANTS TO FREAKING KILL ME AND EAT MY LIVER.  Seriously, can you believe how menacing these drawings are? 

And if the looks on their faces aren’t enough, check out the carnage:

Plus, Sharks and Other Creatures of the Deep serves as a cautionary tale.  You'd better think twice about taking your beloved pet to fetch tennis balls in the surf.  (Is nothing sacred anymore?)

Also?  This fish will eat you EVEN AFTER YOU CHOP ITS HEAD OFF.  So he’s either immortal, or he’s just a badass.  He’s like the Samuel Jackson of ichthyology.

Merry Christmas, sweet Owen.  You’re welcome for the lovely, appropriate gift…and sweet dreams.  (I realize that you’ll be too traumatized ever to swim again, for the rest of your natural life.  Sorry about that.)  Love, Mommy.

(An aside:  He honestly LOVES the book.  He’s a five-year-old boy, so of course he does.  In fact, Sharks and Other Creatures of the Deep recently beat out The Jesus Storybook Bible as his very favorite book.  I think Jesus understands.  He knew about Jonah, after all.)